Do you think Jay Z is GOAT? Well then, me, you, and Kanye West all agree (rough draft, right Jerry Jones?)

Big Brother - Kanye West (Graduation)

[Bridge]

My big brother was B.I.G.'s brotherSo here's a few words from ya kid brotherIf you admire somebody you should go on 'head tell 'emPeople never get the flowers while they can still smell 'emA idol in my eyes, god of the gameHeart of the City, Roc-a-Fella chainNever be the same, never be anotherNumber one, Young Hov, also my big brother
[Hook]My big brother was B.I.G.'s brotherUsed to be Dame and Biggs' brotherWho was Hip Hop brother, who was No I.D. friendNo I.D., my mentor, and that's where the story ends

*the heart and soul that he raps it with. nothing flashy. sounds humble.

* lyrics back up humbleness and show respect not just to HOV, but those that have come before him.

*playfulness about coldplay and bey and "no way, Jose." This is a dude that can have a sense of humor. 

*was written during arguably his most popular era. Pre Bonnaroo Glow in Dark Debacle. Pre 808's. This guy was untouchable. He didn't have kids yet. His mom hadn't died yet. "Welcome to the Good Life." Yeah?  He was on Cloud ninety-fucking-nine, and yet he felt compelled to give proper gratitude to the guy that gave him his break, who took him in like family, and who just happened to be the best in the game at that particular moment. 

Big Brother is beautiful, brilliant and triumphant song that has nothing to do with Yeezy or his ego at all.

Dank Bernie Meme Life

Recently, one of the best things that's ever happened to me in my whole life. It's seems obvious to me that I shouldn't talk about Fight Club, but this Bernie Sanders Dank Meme Singles FB group is the coolest thing ever.

I really never believed I could mack on girls like that. Social media can be used for good or evil. It's just a tool, like a gun.

WE ALL NEED TO GID RID OF THE BUREAUCRATS WITH GUNS.

Korn Vs Limp Bizkit Vs Earth, Wind & Fire - Break September On A Leash (...

Mashup: September / YMCA (Earth, Wind & Fire vs Village People)

Earth Wind and Fire vs Daft Punk - Digital September - Mash up by Avenue...

This Dumb Christmas TV article I wrote two years ago.

This Dumb Christmas TV article I wrote two years ago.

So I'm quite tempted to get quick a narcissism fix and throw this on the Facebooks, but this seems slightly, just slightly, less lame. Besides, no one is reading this.

Also, believe it or not, I'm a tad embarrassed that that the savages on Facebook might get their greasy mitts on this.

So I made a crass, barely funny joke today on Facebook about jizzing in your pants. I thought it might be funny if their was an accompanying Youtube clip of Bill Murray's brother, Joel, as his character from Mad Men, explaining to Peggy Olsen that blue balls is fo reals, yo.

So I google "Freddy Rumsen Blue Balls Mad Men," and all the way at the bottom of the very first page, there's my dumb article about dysfunctional Christmas tv shows.

"The big takeaway: Freddy Rumsen gives Peggy some sage advice about blue balls."

I've always wondered who are the people who post clips on youtube. like are they just bored at work? Jason does this. He found one of the first open source apps for editing video files, so he could do it from his Android, while at the Apple Store. He likes to upload clips from Howard Stern, Adam Sandler songs, 90's TV theme songs. Disney cartoon songs. Clips of Pete and Pete and Alex Mack.

*** beetee dubs, the most egregious act I committed on the Internet was my utter incomprehesion of the term Madonn. I looked like fucking bobo mook.

Me and the Fake Hammer fix the government

So I was drinking beer, smoking dope, and talking religion and politics with my cosmopolitan redneck buddy. Let's call him Scooter; he has a job in the corporate sector. This dude has been a friend and customer of mine for a few years now. He has fire HSO's, but it was just recently that I realized Scooter is the Hammer. Can you P1's imagine my excitement, when I realized what I had on my hands. Pizza grease and pot ash. Huh.

So if Mike Rynner created the Little Ticket, Greg "The Hammer" Williams was his muse and embodied an intellectual white trashiness that exemplifies so much many of the city's hopes and dreams. This was a man that had DFW by the short and curlys, but flew too close to the sun on wings of drugs.

If you don't know all of this already, stop reading, and go check out "The Hard Lie" by Richie Whitt. http://www.dallasobserver.com/news/the-hard-lie-6420113

It's an incredible story, much better than this one, but I digress. Me and Scooter are watching Cam do a prison shower rape scene on Bruce Arians. (he's only wearing the hat and Cam just Supermans him the whole time.) I'm a grown man. If I want to make a joke about one grown man raping another grown man, I'm going to do it.

Sorry, that got dark way too fast. I got a demon in me, folks. I love people; I wish no one got raped ever.

So anyway, Carson Palmer is disappointing us again, so we start talking politics. I point out how little minimum wage is when you add it all up. $8 X 40 hrs/week = $320/week. $320/week X 52 weeks = $16,640. Uncle Sam takes about $1,500 off the top, and assuming you're a good Christian, you're giving Jesus almost $1,700 of it. $16,640 - $1,700 - $1,500 = $13,440 for the whole year for everything. That's if you're one the lucky ones that can find full time work. Business owners say they don't give out full-time wages, because Obamacare is too expensive.

So Scooter is outraged that a hard working middle class American has to live off of little more than 1K a month. But at the same time, he strongly opposes Obamacare. As a good Christian, he wants to help those less fortunate, but Obamacare will put small business owners out of business. That's unpatriotic.

Personally, if you want free market capitalism, I say just deal with the stronger small business owners putting the weaker small business owners out of business. Am I splitting hairs here, Dude?

If I want to play Abbott's advocate, we have to protect small business owners (whatever that means). As Scooter puts it, that $8 an hour shit is supposed to be for like teenagers that need an after school job. Couldn't agree more with Scooter on this.

So what if we gave small business owners some exemptions. If you're this much of a Little Guy Business Owner, we'll help you out. We, the government, will allow you X number of wage exemptions. Your full time employees get $15/hr and full health coverage, but you get, say three Little Guy Business exemptions for part-time employees. Little Guy Business' bottom line(i.e. his boat fund)gets helped out with cheap labor. Little Johnny can buy baseball cards and iPhone games with his earnings.

But what about corporations? Who the fuck is crying for these things? Should I feel bad for lazy stockholders, who do nothing to earn their profits? Please, go fuck yourself. And rape Mitt Romney, while you're at it.

"It's time the corporations start paying their fair share." Nobody's entitled to anything though, so we have political elections. If only there was a cure for how boring they are.

If you want to metaphorically impale Big Corporations like Elliot and Mr. Robot, I would suggest that you read some smart people's writing like Andrew Johnson, Stanton Brasher, and Killer Mike. They would tell you to vote for Bernie Sanders. I'm betting they can make a better argument than any of you or I can.

Legalize recreational marijuana! Now that, you can trust me on.

-Uncle Pat

Magic Critic (gentle musings)

Are there magicians' critics, like there are for music, film, or food? Is there a fat, insecure man somewhere watching night after night of Penn and Teller shows looking for things to pick apart? To praise?

While not a regular spectator of magic illusions and such, I can't speak on such things. I do love film and music, though taking very different approaches to each.

With film, I tend to observe it through an analytical eye, making judgments about the various decisions made by the artists. I'll re-watch a film over and over trying to soak up anything I can about it. I'll watch interviews with the filmmakers. I'll try to deconstruct it. I enjoy reading challenging film criticism.

With music though, I tend to experience it the way most of us would a magic show. The way you can't believe your eyes at a David Blaine illusion. I can't believe my ears, when I hear music. The better the music, the more unbelievable it seems to me.

I'm sure most critics worth their salt could explain it with theory, and session dudes might say it's some combination of skill and a discipline for repetition that some posses and some don't.

Look, I'm just a simple caveman. Your world confuses and frightens me. All I know is music has a ineffable power over me. Inspired me to write this. I am high, though.

Leo and Oscars (first draft)

 I'm feeling good about his one. Leo has been dicked around by the Oscar Establishment of Pacino like proportions. Starting off in 1994 (Schindler's List) w/ "Where's" Arnie Grape, he lost to Tommy Lee Jones (The Fugitive), who really had the third best performance that year. Honestly, I'd've given Leo the runner up to Amon Goeth. But nether the less, he's still way more deserving than Tommy Lee Jones. 2005 (Million Dollar Baby) could have easily been his year. Mr. DiCaprio's turn as Howard Hughes is mesmerizing; however, notta nobody was stopping Jamie Foxx/Ray Charles. Sometimes a Travis Bickle runs into a Howard Beale. What are ya gonna do? 2007 (The Departed) is the weirdest Leo Oscar year. Dude gets nominated for Blood Diamond and his super suspect Afrikaner accent and loses to Forrest Whitaker/Idi Amin and his super suspect Ugangian flatulence, even though the Gos totes should've won for Half Nelson. *2007 also brings to mind the factoid that Leonardo Wilhelm DiCaprio has starred in (not merely acted) but Starred in not one, but Two Best Picture Winners. And not only was he denied a statue yet again, but the poor guy couldn't even get NOMINTED in either of the Best Picture winners in which he was the leading fucking man. Everyone got goddamn nominated for Titanic (1998). So Jack won in '98 for As Good As it Gets. Fine. Hard to argue against Jack. But Caps couldn't even get a nomination against the likes of Robert Duvall in The Apostle, Peter Fonda for Ulee's Flippin' Gold, Dustin Hoffman for Wag the Dog, and Matt "World Police" Damon. So saving the best for last, we get to 2014 (12 Years a Slave). I'm not going to get into why 12 Years is a mediocre-ona-good-day spare ass liberal schlock of a film, if, ya know, you're into the whole brevity thing. Not only did 12 Years suck, but so did Dallas Buyers Club. Now I know, a McConaughey/Betty White ticket would beat Trump or Hilary in a landslide, but his performance in that lame straight-washed homophobic movie-of-the-week movie will looked at by future generations like Al Jolson in the Jazz Singer. Bruce Dern, Chiwetel Ejiofor, and particularly Christian Bale gave truly moving performances. BUT Jordan Belfort blows all of these performances out of the mother licking, cock choking water. It's easily his most challenging and impressive work to date. That said, the Revenant looks like the soul crushing, back breaking visceral type of epic blah blah blah that might, nay must, put him over the proverbial fucking hump.

Kid and Play in Austin, February 5th ........... And More!

Kid and Play Coolio Spinderella Vanilla Ice Young MC All in One

The dude from Glee died yesterday.

I was a Day 1 Gleek. I bailed early in the third season; there became increasingly more "special episodes" dealing with Serious Teen Issues. Glee is great as a musical comedy about losers trying to get through high school. Quit taking yourself so serious, Glee. You might not get Slushees thrown in your face as much.

Poor Finn... The show never quite knew what do to with him after the first season. The new writers (who came aboard after season 2) never followed through with the show's (good) plan to completely pass the torch to the younger underclassman (in their mid-twenties). Saved by the Bell: The College Years made it one year. Saved by the Bell: The New Class lasted for eight, with only Mr. Belding and and Screech sticking around. (Even the original Saved by the Bell lasted about half as long.)

Like the other male lead, Mr. Shu, Finn is the blandest of boring characters; I blame this (mostly) on poor writing. (plus they kept adding new male cast members, like Darren Criss, who perform circles around pretty much anybody.) By comparison, this made Finn all the more uninteresting, and it made his performances seem milquetoast, at best.

If you watch Cory Monteith while he's singing, it's easy to see his skill and feel the emotion he's putting out there. His chemistry with Lea Michele was undeniable. He had comedy chops. He was stoic but vulnerable; he had a masculine physicality coupled with a soft, lovely voice. And the dude played drums and sang! At the same time!

I would have liked to have seen Mr. Monteith tell that cruddy show to fuck off, and try something different. He was a poor man's Channing Tatum. And right now, that's a fucking good business to be in.

Oh well, shit. I didn't know the guy, and I already gleefully ditched Glee. But fuck, we're all human. The guy clearly had problems dealing with drugs (I can relate) and fame (not so much). It makes me a little sad that he'll never get another shot to steal a lovable lunkhead role away from Taylor Kitsch. He could have been the new protege or a rival stripper in Magic Mike II. Who knows, he might have surprised us all by playing Edison in Lightbulb: The Movie.

You will be missed, sir.

A spliftastic review of Skins: Fire (You're growns up and you're growns up and you're growns up...)

Skins: Fire parts I and II (Effy)

Madame Deluca: And what emotion have you chosen to depict? 

Effy Stonem: Anger, Jealousy, Bitterness, Tiredness, Hope, Lust, Love. 

Madame Deluca: A veritable feast. So where is it? 

Effy Stonem: It's everywhere. 

Madame Deluca: My dear girl, I'm not sure I understand. 

Effy Stonem: It’s conceptual. You just can't see it. 

Madame Deluca: You’re saying you haven't done it? 

Effy Stonem: No I'm saying you can't see it.

(from “Effy” series 2 eposide 7)

Skins is a shamelessly soapy teen drama. The story lines are always over the top (though, well-paced), but this show is all about evoking pure, raw emotion. This fantastic final go-around with Effy is par for the course. Kaya Scodelario acts the hell out this thing, and director, Craig Martin, maintains the highest of standards set by the programme for breath-taking cinematography and beautifully moving pieces of music.

With Monday night’s second installment of Skins: Fire, the voyeuristic delight that is the life of Miss Elizabeth Stonem is now forever over.  

This is one big *SPOILERY review about both of the "Effy" episodes, and then I’ll write a review each week for each subsequent episode (two “Cassie” episodes, and then two “Cook” episodes)

*For us Yanks across the pond, iTunes seems to be the proper (and legal) place to find these episodes. They’re only a couple of quid apiece. 

Effy Stonem has always been a curiously detached individual. She struggles mightily to accept the empathy she feels, and it’s her nature to escape, avoid, and ignore problems and scary feelings.

It’s an appropriate opening sequence for Effy’s story (that’s brilliantly shot) showing Londoners scurrying (in slow motion, of course) across a large bridge, armed with raincoats and umbrellas. Eventually, we see Effy (unaffected by the weather) standing calm and still, looking out over the mighty Thames, seemingly unaware of the hoard of humanity passing her by.

Within the first five minutes we learn:

-Effy is working as a low level office assistant at a stock broker company. She acts timid and meek. Is she still mental from the from the series 4 of it all?

-She’s gets crazy flustered around her boss, Jake. He’s super rich and seems super confident. Played by 34 year old Kayvan Novak, Jake looks like a posh, more mature, and more buff version of Freddie Mclair. 

-While sitting outside of the office, Effy is approached by a dorky stock broker acquaintance, Dom, played superbly by Craig Roberts. He “accidentally” passes by and tries to spit his best game; unfortunately, it comes out as, “And… Boom goes the dynamite.” 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W45DRy7M1no

The other major story-line is Effy now shares a flat with her apparent best friend, Naomi Campbell.

The Naomi story was my least favorite aspect of Part One. She’s lazy, doesn't work, parties constantly (with whip-its!), and selfishly complains to Effy non-stop. Naomi is mostly unlikable and uninteresting. Only towards the end of Part One, when it’s revealed she has cancer does she seem sympathetic.

That said, Lily Loveless does give a truly remarkable performance as Naomi. This brilliant display of acting (particularly in Part Two) makes the cancer story work emotionally, as we slowly watch her come to grips with her terminal illness. She also seems to improve as a comedienne, as evidenced by the big laughs she gets from her Tig Nartaro-like cancer material.

The best moment from “Part One” is a rooftop montage where Dom teaches Effy about stocks and such using sidewalk chalk; the vibe is good, and Dom makes a move, but of coarse Effy reluctantly rejects him, lest she reveal a personal emotion to another human being.

Through gumption, generally being awesome, and much help from Dom, Effy insider-trades eleven million pounds of profit for Jake (approximately $16.5 million). This really turns Jake on, sexually that is. There’s lots of hot doing it, and then, Effy slo-mo dances and triumphantly sniffs celebratory white powders in an obligatory vintage club montage. She gets work promotions, a chauffeured BMW, and a fancy new flat.

“Is this where Patrick Bateman lives?” –Naomi

Of course, it all comes crashing down, and the British SEC begins to investigate the suspicious profits generated by Effy, as Naomi’s health worsens.

Interestingly in Part Two, Naomi's presence reveals the nature of Effy’s two suitors. Jake is annoyed by Naomi’s loud lesbian sex in the next room. He only cares about making money, covering his own arse, and basically being an all around scumbag. On the other hand, Dom is solely concerned with Naomi’s well-being while she is dying (even with the possibility of a prison sentence looming). He’s fiercely protective, magnanimous, and a bad-ass muthafucka.   

In the end, Effy achieves catharsis by cleaning up her messes. She re-unites Emily with Naomi, gets some passionate anger-banging from Dom, and confesses her crimes to the authorities, while ratting out Jake but protecting Dom.

It is rather fitting, isn't it, that the conclusion of Effy's story shows her in silence. Without saying a word, she says goodbye to Naomi through the window of her hospital room, signs her confession to the British SEC, stares frigid daggers at Jake, and is finally led into the back of a police car (to be whisked off to prison).

The final shot of Elizabeth Stonem shows her, alone, staring ahead and pondering her life inside of that police car. Then, that small, little smirk of a smile creeps across her face. It’s the look of epiphany. Effy finally takes responsibility for all of her shit, and she selflessly does right by her friends. (She cares!) This revelation amusingly tickles her, filling her with hope for a happy life one day.

Or maybe she was just smiling about the hot sex she had with Dom.

A truly great installment of Skins

“Skins: Fire” (Effy) A-

Please check back next week for my review of Skins: Rise (Part One) starring Game Of Thrones actress, Hannah Murray as the lovely and captivating Miss Cassie Ainsworth.

One of the first things I wrote in college and I chose to write about LSD. I got an A, Mom.

Lucy and Patrick Sitting in a Tree....

            When I was a kid, I didn’t believe in God.  I never had a good reason to believe nor did I care.  If he did exist, I certainly couldn’t conceive an all-powerful, omnipresent figure that concerned itself with humanity in a way we could consciously understand.  My parents taught me right from wrong, and there are things in life that we can control and things we cannot. God is abstract, and he/she and I co-exist independently of one another. That is how I perceived the world.  One day, I widened my gaze.  That was the day I first experienced lysergic acid diethylamide, otherwise known as LSD.

            If I had to choose one word to describe the LSD experience, it would be “epiphany.”  While attending a Bonnaroo Music Festival in Manchester, Tennessee, I found myself alone in a forest, breathing.  All of a sudden, I began to ponder the symbiotic exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide between animals and plants that sustains all life.  I had never considered this amazing omnipotent power that occurs before us.

            LSD brings out the best in me.  Being altruistic comes as naturally as walking or talking.  Intense feelings of empathy are usual, and strong inclinations to be honest, compassionate, and generous are commonplace.  Petty emotions like fear, jealously, and selfishness dissolve from my mind as quickly as the acid is absorbed into my bloodstream.  Imagine sharing that experience with hundreds of magnanimous individuals.  Music festivals are heaven on Earth.

            An acid trip lets me return to the wonderment of childhood.  My imagination is at its most vivid.  Everything seems new and innocent.  If one were so inclined, they could wave a stick around while pretending to be a Hogwart’s wizard and see large streaks of bright, blue lightening shooting right from their “wand.”  I feel the powerful sensation of being completely immersed in a sublime state.

            This chemical compound has allowed me to tap into otherwise unattainable levels of potential by which I experience humanity and view the physical world.  I’ve bore witness to an overwhelmingly omniscient and benevolent presence.  LSD has showed me the slightest glimpse of God.  I’m grateful for that every single day of my life.

I loved the Man of Steel! Apparently me and Kevin Smith have some similar (SPOILERY) views on it. And we're both high while reviewing it (only he's just way smarter than me)

Not only did I escape the heat for two and a half hours, I simultaneously watched Man of Steel this afternoon. Oh, it was more glorious than I could have imagined.  So these are merely the SPOILERY thoughts of a stoner with a GED who likes to watch movies…

(See if you can read this whole paragraph in one breath.) First of all, as someone who never went to church or read the Bible, this story totally reminds me of Jesus. But it doesn’t take an atheist under the influence to see the parallels. He was conceived and born under miraculous circumstances, then sent to Earth where he possesses God-like powers. As a child, his altruistic nature is misunderstood, and our outcast hero wanders aimlessly from ages 18 to 32... Until he ultimately takes the figurative and literal leap of faith for humanity and accepts his destiny as savior of mankind.

We all know this story and it serves its purpose themecally, but it’s far from the best thing about this highly enjoyable film.

The thing that stuck out to me was the non-linear structure. It’s quite brilliant and keeps the pace moving quickly. Writer, David Goyer, collaborated with producer, Christopher Nolan, on each part of the Dark Knight Trilogy. But it was Batman Begins that featured Goyer as a co-screenwriter with Nolan. Like Batman Begins,Man of Steel was written without the assistance of Nolan’s little brother, Jonah. The fragmented plot style of both films lends itself to telling a familiar and somewhat predictable story (like the superhero origin story for instance).

So this is a pretty straightforward tale. Superman’s home planet is dying, so his father, Jor-El (played by Russell Crowe) sends him to Earth. He spends his twenties as a lonely migrant worker and secretly going around saving people. Then, one day, the xenophobic Kryptonian military leader, General Zod, comes to Earth to kill the son of Jor-El and destroy mankind so a new Krypton can flourish on Earth. Clark Kent must then save the world. Yada yada.

The cool part of the story is in between all of that, the audience gets to see Clark at different points of childhood and the big emotional experiences that lead him down his path of becoming Superman. (Big kudos to Cooper Timberline and Dylan Sprayberry, who respectively play the 9 and 13 year old versions of Clark) These sad and beatifully touching parts of the film where a scared kid has to figure what the hell is wrong with him were my favorite. All the while kids tease and bully him, parents are freaked out by him, and Young Superman is angry and angsty and confused. 

Kevin Costner throws down one the better performances he’s done in a while as Clark’s father, Jonathon Kent. Speaking of, this movie has one hell of a cast. Henry Cavill has wonderful chemistry with Costner, along with Amy Adam’s brilliant Lois Lane, as well as, the magnificent Diane lane as his mother, Martha Kent. (the first scene where Superman and Zod square off might be one of the most powerful scenes I’ve seen in while.) Michael Shannon is the fucking man. All the time. In everything he’s in. (Also, I never get tired of seeing Chris Meloni or Toby Ziegler do anything.)

Man, Russel Crowe’s performance was the only somwehwat disappointing one. It was stilted and lacked any emotion. I couldn’t tell if was he’s just playing super stoic or what, but it was kinda boring.  I haven’t seen a good one from Crowe in a while (he had the only non-amazing performance in Les Mis). To be fair to him, his character in Man of Steel had the least cool stuff; the writers used him mostly as an expository device more than anything (of which there was quite a bit of.)

This is the best flick that Zack Snyder has ever directed. The entire thing looks gorgeous, but all of his films always look really great.  He took it to another level with this one.

While I liked Hans Zimmer’s score, I would have liked to hear some more pop music. I loved what Snyder did with pop in Watchmen, and Man of Steel had only one big piece of music that wasn’t Zimmer score. It sounded like Pearl Jam but I couldn’t find information about it. Anyway, I liked that song.

The best action scenes were the ones with Superman and Zod squaring off.  Some of the other big military/alien set pieces dragged on a bit. At almost two and a half hours, I might have cut some of those scenes.

The other glaring thing was the strong urge I had after the movie to go get a Slurpee on my way to Sears to pick up a new dishwasher, but not before a hearty breakfast at IHOP. Go a little easier on the product placement; you either have to create an entirely new sort of surreal world with fake products like Quentin Tarantino or Kevin Smith or you have to be slick about it like David Chase.  They just went for it like Wayne’s World. (“Nuprin: little…yellow…different” *thanks for that reference, Brittani.)

If you like Batman Begins or Watchmen, I’d recommend this. Although I think it’s pretty fucking good compared to anything.  I’d give it an 8.9. Fart noise. The End.

I got all stoned up on the pot and saw The Bling Ring. This post is SPOILRY but awesome. I love, you!

I just watched The Bling Ring; my initial impressions were solid. Totally solid flick. It reminded me a lot of the first three and half seasons of Skins. It's like if Bret Easton Ellis wrote the script for Bottle Rocket or Blow.

Full Disclosure: This does has some SPOILERS, but not Bruce Willis is dead or the Titanic sinks at the end. Nothing big like that. After Summerbash, I'm now taking a (possibly permanent) vacation from fucking alcohol. So it’s just good old fashioned California Cancer Medicine for me. Just keep in mind: my side effects are my being fucking baked…

I'm gonna use the "F" word several more times so like, fucking deal with it, I s'pose...  Ultimately this film doesn't hold up to the spectacular Vanity Fair piece by Nancy Jo Sales of which Ms. Coppola's script is based.

The author recently expanded the article into a full on book (Personally, I think this film could have been like “Best Picture good” if Ms. Coppola would have been able to collaborate on the script with Sales or someone who can write good and stuff. She's an auteur; what can I say?).

I was looking for a torrent of this book (or the A++ club banger/hip hop soundtrack), and I had thought I had found a sweet Cannes screaner but there's some 2011 film also named Bling Ring. I mean, shit, if award shows and A-list film festivals are good for just one thing, it is providing all of these fucking sweet screeners for us pirates and our bays and so forth.

And GOB on his segue..... Sofia Coppola is just a brilliant visual director. Cinematographers, Harris Savides and Chris Blauvelt hit it out of the fucking ballpark. Brilliantly gorgeous.

Ms. Coppola's dialogue skills throughout the film and certain editing choices in the final act leave something to be desired. The movie starts out confidently fun but ultimately becomes too self-important (these are 1%er problems). This film is at its best when the "Burglary Bunch" is invoking Lucy Ricardo during the time she fell into Richard Widmark's backyard trying snag a Grapefruit from his tree (the tourbus driver just didn't understand that Lucy "only needed to pick a grapefruit.") That should have been the heart of this souless movie: the literal and metaphorical struggle over the celbrities wall... with a prized grapefruit. The two main characters, Mark and Rebecca are essentially a teenaged Ethel and Lucy, respectively.

Having said that, the opening sequence is fucking incredible. It instantly set the wild-ass tone and pace. Nhilistic. Sexy. Frantic. It really left a strong YOLO impression on me.

But having said that, the last thirty minutes of this ninety minute flick had some laggy moments and most of the best lines are quotes from Nancy Jo Sales' article.

*my favorite parts not based on anything are when Rebecca (the ringleader) tries to steal Paris Hilton's dog. It somehow reminded me from Toto from Wizard of Oz. One of the funnier parts of this kinda humorless yet entertaining flick is a running sight gag where Mark (the protagonist) takes a pair of dark pink (almost red) heels that belong to Ms. Hilton. Mark is the only member of the crew who can properly fit into Ms. Hilton's large-ass shoes for her large ass feet. Those shoes also reminded of me Oz. Like the dog and the shoes belonged in a magical world that these characters desperately want to be a part of but will ultimately always be fakers. The slippers aren't quite ruby red and that dog is actually a chihhuahua. 

I enjoyed most of the performances save for the two leads, (Mark) Isreal Broussard and (Rebecca) Katie Chang. Unfortunately, Broussard's Mark comes off like he's on heroin and just being an uncharming Sid from Skins, and Ms. Chang's, Rebecca, is like a boringly vapid, uncharasmatic Scarface. 

If you’re going to have anti-heroes as your protagonists, they better be smart, funny, charming, fucking something.... Mark needed some Walter White from season 2 or Bill Macy's character from Fargo (something humanizing. more pain, more insight, anything) Rebecca should have had some George Jung or Stringer Bell in her performance (hell, even Henry Hill, De Niro in Casino, Walter White in season 5 ).

Emma Watson fucking killed it. She reminded me of the Stonem siblings with shades of the brothers Bateman. She stole every scene. Ms. Watson easily gives the best performance in this picture as the sultry, deceptive, and charming character, Nikki.

Leslie Mann gave a sympathetic heartbreaking performance as Emma Watson's hippie dippie mom. While Mann plays the character as a new age ditz, there are layers of true maternal pride and worry. Mann plays her dumb blonde subtly as she deeply and truly loves her snotty and manipulative daughter. If you actually listen to Mann's lines, she's the only character that actually has wisdom and isn't completely absorbed by materialism.

Sofia Coppola is now 42 years old and a mother of two; I can't help but be reminded of Ms. Coppola when I see Mann's well-meaning mother as basically the only sympathetic figure in this story. This story has to hit close to home for her (Lost in Translation is smothered in autobiographical gravy).

Coppola was born right around the same time her father agreed to make the Godfather; she is the epitome of The Hollywood Heiress. She is a former model and continues to gig as a successful fashion designer. Now, she is the mother of rich, white, famous kids that live in this ultra-competitive high-pressure hyper-celebrity-obsessed society.

This is essentially a cautionary tale a la Goodfellas, Blow, or Breaking Bad.  The problem is that this film lacks the dark humor of a Sopranos or Coen Brothers story or the graphic shock of Ellis or the emotional weight of Tarantino, Scorcese, or Vince Gilligan.

It’s similar to Pain and Gain (this summer's most underrated film, so far) in that you have these beautiful breath-taking films that tell the grimy stories of some really unlikeable desperate self-absorbed criminals. Pain and Gain has just enough of that manic dark humor to make it awesome. Emma Watson can only do so much in a supporting role!

*True story: her character use to be a, uh, exotic dancer, and in one scene, she shows off her character’s job related work skills on Paris Hilton's personal home stripper pole. (Sha-wing.)

This movie is mostly Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride and let’s face it… “Everyone wants Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.” and totally worth seeing if you dig Bret Easton Ellis, Skins, or Palahniuk. It’s like Girls mixed with It’s Always Sunny if Harmony Korine directed it. The Bling Ring left me with this filthy sorta feeling yet hedonistically anarchistic (kinda like how Ed Norton felt during all the Tyler/Marla bang sessions in Fight Club)

I think I'm gonna watch some “Canadian pornography” and then maybe a "Netflix Show Stealer" version of Spring Breakers.... NSA, you better not tell no one.